This is a conversation between Pat Caruso and the old roommate Mike "bob your head like epilepsy" Wojtychiw.  Enjoy.

hockeypc03: hi there
hockeypc03: i want you
hockeypc03: bad
hockeypc03: ruski?  you there?
hockeypc03: how's your mother doing?
hockeypc03: she looks like jon bon jovi, right?
hockeypc03: he sucks dick, though
hockeypc03: well, so does she
hockeypc03: anyways, i have a fortune for you
hockeypc03: you will find love on flag day
hockeypc03: monkeys have feelings, too
hockeypc03: did you see the lewis-klitschko fight?
hockeypc03: ugly, huh?
hockeypc03: those damn ukranians are pussies

hockeypc03: you back?
hockeypc03: sweet
chiwoj85 returned at 3:39:07 PM.
hockeypc03: hi there
chiwoj85: who the fuck is this?
hockeypc03: i think you know
chiwoj85: oh do i?
hockeypc03: i think you might
hockeypc03: names don't matter, though
hockeypc03: talk to me beautiful
chiwoj85: ok
chiwoj85: so
chiwoj85: whats goin on
hockeypc03: nm
hockeypc03: what's new with you?
chiwoj85: same stuff as always
hockeypc03: that's cool
chiwoj85: u liking the weather?
hockeypc03: it's ok
hockeypc03: i've had better
chiwoj85: thats cool
chiwoj85: too cold for ya?/
hockeypc03: i was watching the cubs game last night
hockeypc03: good game
chiwoj85: if u say so
hockeypc03: i like the dbacks, though
chiwoj85: what channel did u watch it on?
hockeypc03: it's not cold outside at all... too hot
hockeypc03: i have mlb.tv
hockeypc03: it's online
chiwoj85: i know
hockeypc03: has to be 85
hockeypc03: i like it hot, though
chiwoj85: oh really?
chiwoj85: thats good for you
hockeypc03: not just referring to the weather
chiwoj85: i kinda figured
hockeypc03: if you were a flower, what kind would you be?
hockeypc03: a pansie?
chiwoj85: but dont u have someone to take care of ur urges?
hockeypc03: i do
hockeypc03: thad
hockeypc03: tell thad i said hi
chiwoj85: ok
chiwoj85: thad says he dont like u no more
hockeypc03: what did i do to him?
hockeypc03: was it about last night?
chiwoj85: i think uve gotten old
chiwoj85: he wants something new
hockeypc03: oh
hockeypc03: figured
chiwoj85: he was talking about this one kid that lives down the hall
chiwoj85: he doesnt put out anymore?
hockeypc03: oh yeah?
hockeypc03: never did
chiwoj85: sucks for you
hockeypc03: i'm moving on to jason
chiwoj85: sucks even more for you
hockeypc03: why?
chiwoj85: just does
hockeypc03: guess so
hockeypc03: your journalism articles are really good
chiwoj85: thanks
hockeypc03: i was joking
hockeypc03: they suck nuts
chiwoj85: so what are u majoring in?
chiwoj85: child pornography?
hockeypc03: well, photography
hockeypc03: and nursing
hockeypc03: pediatric nursing, actually
hockeypc03: so you could say i'm majoring in little kids and photography
chiwoj85: thats fucking sick
hockeypc03: no, not in a gay kind of way
chiwoj85: u need to get a life
hockeypc03: ok
hockeypc03: i'll get right on that
chiwoj85: yeah u should
chiwoj85: or you're going to become michael jackson
chiwoj85: and thats just not cool
hockeypc03: don't knock michael
hockeypc03: that's getting old
chiwoj85: hey if ur a fan, i dont care
chiwoj85: but he's a wacko
hockeypc03: fuck you
hockeypc03: he's not
chiwoj85: ok
hockeypc03: he's a solid role model
chiwoj85: for creeps
hockeypc03: and an exemplary human being
chiwoj85: and pervs
hockeypc03: do you love me?
chiwoj85: and petafiles
chiwoj85: do i love you?
hockeypc03: yes
hockeypc03: we need to stay together for the baby
chiwoj85: why would u get the idea that u love me?
hockeypc03: the baby, stupid
chiwoj85: but wait i thought that was thad's child
hockeypc03: no, i lied
chiwoj85: and jason's
chiwoj85: and like the other 90 million ppl uve slept with
hockeypc03: LEAVE JASON OUT OF THIS
hockeypc03: no, only 1
chiwoj85: and its definately not me
hockeypc03: are you sure?
chiwoj85: most definately
hockeypc03: the tests don't lie
hockeypc03: did you say hi to jason for me?
chiwoj85: jason's off w/ d'anthony
hockeypc03: ok
chiwoj85: doing god knows what
hockeypc03: then tell eric i said hi
hockeypc03: this is paul, by the way
chiwoj85: sorry
chiwoj85: doesnt ring a bell
hockeypc03: ask eric if he knows paul
hockeypc03: pronounced pow-ul
hockeypc03: like powell, kinda
chiwoj85: no but he sends his regards
hockeypc03: tell him to go suck a dick
hockeypc03: how's his girlfriend, by the way?
chiwoj85: he says he'l suck urs if u come up here
chiwoj85: shannon is good
chiwoj85: why do u ask?
hockeypc03: i don't know her that well
chiwoj85: are u interested in her?
hockeypc03: no no no
chiwoj85: cause eric doesnt like ppl like that
hockeypc03: i met her once, but i can't even remember what she looks like
hockeypc03: what do you think of her?
chiwoj85: idk i dont judge my roommates girlfriend
hockeypc03: just do it
hockeypc03: i need an honest opinion
chiwoj85: why does it matter what i think of shannon?
hockeypc03: i just want to know
chiwoj85: well you're not going to find out
hockeypc03: fine then
chiwoj85: good
chiwoj85: leave
chiwoj85: bitch
hockeypc03: then i'll tell dave, lee, and pat that you hate them
hockeypc03: they'll believe me, too
chiwoj85: why would they believe you?
hockeypc03: they know me well
hockeypc03: i don't lie
chiwoj85: i really dont care
hockeypc03: fine, bitch
chiwoj85: go hide in the corner like the pussy you are
hockeypc03: i will
hockeypc03: in the fetal position
chiwoj85: have fun
hockeypc03: tom, sean, carla, marie, dan, d'anthony, christa, vickie
hockeypc03: they all hate you
hockeypc03: but, i have to go.... i need to write a journalism article
hockeypc03: bye sweetie
chiwoj85: im sure u do
hockeypc03:  

Currently Playing I'm Telling You For The Last Time By Jerry Seinfeld see related

Posted on Net-benefits.net by Patrick McKenzie

Your students are the European Union? I feel sorry for you. France is insufferably arrogant because he was the soccer captain at prep school, and he and his best buddy Germany hog all of the class time while telling that diligent student Poland to shut up and sit in the corner. Half of the rest of the class is too stoned to care. Great Britain, on the other hand, is so disgusted with the lot that he would rather be hanging with his childhood buddy in that other class, America (well, OK, Great Britain spent most of their childhood pounding the tar out of him but they're largely over it), who consistently manages to keep getting himself elected to all the leadership positions even though he's got a nasty case of bipolar disorder (he seems to be in a "Red" phase for about four more years, after that, God only knows).

hehehehehehe

Last night I was at Jefferson Commons in hope of getting to shoot hoops and lift by myself.  After a while a couple of guys showed up and we played 21, which I won.  Why did I win?  Because 21 is pointless, and according to the Duker Principle of Excellence (1/real life importance)= (My ability at it) I should be pretty damn unbeatable at it, and I am.  Or as I said to Shannon, "I can kill you at Memory Match because Memory Match is pointless, but if we played 'cure world hunger' you would fuck me up".  But I digress...so we play for a bit and then a swarm of Asians show up.  There must have been a million of them.  Anyway, Jeff Co is pretty small, just an indoor halfcourt and maybe 10 different lifting apparatuses.  They want to play 3 on 3, so I'm down with that shit, cause the only thing I enjoy more then messing up 3 Asians at a time is messing up more then 3 Asians at a time.  So, we get ready to play and set the rules as 1s and 2s up to 16, make it take it, and since there were two teams of 3 Asians, winner holds court, losers rotate in.  Well, they start rotating guys in all the time, which is against Western Hemisphere rules of 3 on 3, but I can't complain to them b/c my knowledge of Eastern languages is limited to Bruce Lee and Bloodsport movies, and I don't think yelling AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH and superkicking somebody through a wall would get my point across that they can't sub in during a game. 

Now, Christa is bitching at me to go workout, so I have to get out from under my blankies and put on clothes. 

Currently Reading 1984 By George Orwell see related

I'm back, keeping to my promise of putting up a post every day.  It's just that the last few have been invisible, so you can't really read them.  Today was an important day for me, I actually reached a new level of nerdiness.  Yes, I actually am nerdier than before.  Today I finished a crossword puzzle in the STL Post-Dispatch that was entirely about chemistry, and I finished it quickly and thought it was way to easy.  Also, I actually lifted weights today in addition to my daily dose of basketball.  It was quite enjoyable, especially since a DJ on the radio gave props to all the "short bus" people out there.  As some of you know, I do own a Short Bus shirt with Cuddles and #8 on the back.  Holla!!  I will now make stupid muscle comments b/c the door is closed and nobody is in here to mock me.  Which way to the gun show?  Can you tell me where the zoo is, I need to return these pythons?  And now I will go through all of Hulk Hogan's old routine...ok, I'm back.  Before I get to the meat of this post, I was wondering if anybody else noticed the frown face on the butt of that polar bear, or is it just me?  Prehaps I shouldn't spend as much time looking at the asses of animals, but I can't change who I am.  On to the show...

I was going to write about comparing my roommates from the last two years, but Dave's being pretty fucking annoying right now and I don't want to say anything mean, so I'll write something in another direction.  Maybe someday I'll get around to comparing Mike's epilepsy to Dave' Tourette's Syndrome. 

As some of you know, Shannon is crashing in our room for a while since she lost her housing.  Technically, she is homeless.  And by technically, I mean she is.  This experience has made me think of the homeless around us.  Those poor souls that sell AdSheets outside the buildings, sleep under the bridge at Peace Park, war veterans (although some look so crazy I think they believe they fought in Star Wars), people who attack you outside of the Emporium when you get food, and the bums at the Joliet Train Station who just want a little change so they can get a candy bar, some crack, a 40, and have just enough left over to get in the dice game down the block.  For a moment, how the fuck do you play dice?  I'm guessing since it is played by homeless and poor people it's not the most complicated game.  I mean, the homeless have some simple games, like collect the tin can, sleep in the dumpster, and yell at the passing motorist.  If anybody knows, let me know...cause I wanna play too. 

Ode to the Homeless

Walking around at all times on the street

Surviving on crumbs and dead squirrel meat

Their minds are filled with all kinds of rants

But sometimes they forget to put on their pants

They make quarters by washing cars,

Then go get drunk at the local bars

Under a bridge or on a park bench

Is where they will sleep, what a terrible stench!

Some find it fun, to mock them and joke

I find it fun to give them a good poke

If they’re lucky they’ll be able to bum a smoke

Then back to their alley with empty cans of coke

Oh, they’ll steal your recycling and make a newspaper tent,

The Jewel owner wonders where all the shopping carts went,

Yes, some people think, “be kind, at the homeless you shouldn’t laugh”,

But where else will you find someone who thinks they’re a giraffe?

Oh the homeless always fill my heart with joy,

Why do they think the lamp post is a chew toy?

And now I must end this ode to the poor,

And shoo them away from my front door,

But stay strong street people and stay on your feet,

And if you turn in your bottles, at the next dice game we’ll meet.

Currently Reading A Short History of Nearly Everything By Bill Bryson see related

I'm back, bigger and honkier then ever.  I got my old name back, so all the classic articles from last year are still there for your reading enjoyment.  Hopefully this site won't be as dirty and profane as last year's, but you never know.  I'll try to post everyday and put up a poem once a week.  If you have something you want me to write about, someone you want me to mock, or you want to be a guest writer, let me know and I'll see what I can do.  For now, Jeopardy is on. 

Duker

Have to sign up for classes in 15 minutes, so I'll try to get this one done nice and quick.  I'm writing this one from Middlebush, home of the statistics department, or as I call it, China town.  Whole lotta Asians up in hizzle.  But today, the rant isn't about Asians, it's about rap.  That's right, Retards Attempting Poetry.  Who else is pissed off that rap doesn't tell a story anymore, like it did back in the good ol' days of the SugarHill Gang and NWA.  In literature there are 7 types of stories, and every work of literature is a combination of one or more of those types of stories.  In rap today there are 3 types of stories...1) going to the club, getting drunk, and fucking a chickenhead, 2) throwing a party at home, getting drunk, and fucking a chickenhead, or 3) pretend to be a mobster.  Quite a variety.  Back in the day rap used to be about telling a story, stories like......

Snoop Doggy Dogg's "Gin and Juice"- 

Now, that, I got me some Seagram's gin
Everybody got they cups, but they ain't chipped in
Now this types of shit, happens all the time
You got to get yours but fool I gotta get mine

Now, some of you fools out there will look at these lyrics and say "well, Duker, these obviously are about getting drunk at a party (story #2)", to which I would say "shut up fool", smack yo ugly face, and yell out "i'm rick james bitch".  This is social commentary right here.  Snoop isn't talking about Seagram's gin, he's talking about welfare.  See, by then Snoop was rich, and Seagram's gin=money, and everybody got their cups but they ain't chipped in=poor people didn't pay their fucking taxes but want food stamps and welfare checks.  And these people literally collect their welfare in cups.  He's talking about people taking away his hard earned pot smelling money.  And yes, he was probably drinking Seagrams when he wrote this, but I'm drunk now so it's all cool.  Also in that song....

  With so much drama in the L-B-C
It's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G

Is this about Long Beach?  No ass. Snoop's talking about the "Large Ba'ath Community" in Iraq.  Snoop was at an age where he could be drafted to go into war, and with all the crazy shit Saddam was doing, Snoop was clearly concerned about having to fight overseas.  These worries were clearly throwing Snoop off his rap game.  Then you got another old school example- Warren G and Natt Dogg's "Regulators".

I'm  gettin' jacked, I'm breakin' myself                                                       
I can't believe they taking Warren's wealth

Was Warren G talking about some brother stealing his shit on the street corner?  Well that's what it sounded like, but Warren was really raping about was the increasing pressure by the Reagan and Bush I administrations to push taxes on to the lower classes.  Their tax cuts to the rich and to businesses, combined with increased military spending led to an increased pressure on the poor to fund these projects.  "jacked" was talking about Warren's tax man Jack (played beautifully by Nate Dogg in the video), and "breakin' myself" was a reference to his rush to get his taxes in on time.  Finally, "California Love" by Tupac and Dr. Dre....

uh, yeah, uh, longbeach in tha house, uh yeah
Oaktown, Oakland definately in tha house hahaha
Frisko, Frisko
[Tupac] hey, you know LA is up in this
Pasadena, where you at
yeah, Inglewood, Inglewood always up to no good
(Tupac) even Hollywood tryin to get a piece baby
Sacramento, sacramento where ya at? yeah

What're Tupac and Dre talking about here?  Where in Cali they go to party?  Hell no, they're teaching brotha, they're taching son.  Every kid who listens to this song now can name multiple cities in California.  It's been statistically proven that US school children blow balls at geography, and Tupac and Dre are trying to help out the cause.  If Tupac had lived (or if he would come back from Mexico) he could, and would, do 50 more songs, one for each state and DC, so every child would no a plethora of cities in each state, and our geography would be much better.

As you can see old school rap spoke about real issues, not just going to the club and drinking, now I'll show you modern day examples of why rap sucks, and give you my reason for why the rap game has gone downhill.

First off, I hate Missy Elliott.  Every one of her songs has the same sound to it, and by same sound I mean they are the exact same.  She just changes the speed the song goes.  Now on to 50 cents "Wanksta"

Me I'm no mobster
Me I'm no ganster
Me I'm no hitman,me i'm just me,me
Me I'm no actor
But It's me you see on your t.v
cause i hustle baby
This spanish shit is so easy

Quite the set of lyrics.  But let's analyze this closely.  I'm going to do analyze this by talking about other 50 cent songs and videos, but I may not remember all of the names.  First off, referencing that he is not a mobster, gangster, or hitman...quite incorrect.  How many other times has he claimed he was going to "shoot up your Isuzu" and that video where he was meeting all of those mobsters from different parts of the world.  Quite the contradiction.  You didn't hear Ice Cube yelling "fuck the police" and then rapping that what happened to Rodney King was justified.  You just didn't hear that shit back in the day.  And in "G Unit Soldiers"

  Nigga...Nigga
Niggas know I'm hot
But my ice cold enough to freeze whole towns

We need to think about something here.  As anybody who has studied physics knows, to freeze something means that they must change a substance from a liquid to a solid.  And anybody who has done the equations knows that it takes a lot of energy to make this change, even on a small scale.  Now try doing it with a whole city (i'm actually going to not touch the argument that you can't freeze a city b/c it's already a solid).  Quite impossible, even if he was actually talking about ice, not diamonds.  See, this is the type of information that teaches school children bad information, as compared to the wonderful teaching Tupac and Dr. Dre showed us earlier.  Finally, to move towards my theory, we have J-Kwon's "Tipsy".  I'm not even going to put the lyrics of this up there.  All he talks about is going to the club and getting drunk, even when he is underage.  Add that with Kanye West's "Slow Jams" (and Kanye even promotes dropping out of college, another anti-learning reference), anything by the Ying Yang Twins, and "Holiday Inn" by Ludacris, Chingy, and "Snoop Dogg", not Snoop Doggy Dogg.  And what caused these problems, that's right....St. Louis rappers.

St. Louis rappers have brought the rap game down to shambles.  Nelly, Murphy Lee, Chingy, and J-Kwon.  Can anybody name a song they wrote that didn't involve going to a club or drinking.  Everything was all good until Nelly and the St. Lunatics came along, and now they are dragging all the other rappers with them.  Sean Combs, he used to have potential.... i'm kidding, he never did anything in his life.  He's not even from a poor family.  Jay Z, Busta Rhymes, Jermaine Dupry, Fabulous, and the others....all crappy rappers who burst (burst like flamers) on the scene after St. Louis rappers.  So there, St. Louis rappers ruined the rap game I loved so dearly, just like the St. Louis Blues ruined hockey, and Lewis and Clark who left from St. Louis ruined western America's landscape because of our empirial expansion.  So there you go, my rap post, and now, since it is Thursday, I'm gonna go hit a club and try to get some chickenheads to go pecking at my trough. 

"somehow, someway, I keep coming up with funky ass shit each and every single day"